It blows my mind how broken I am. In every single way. Trust something I just don’t do anymore. I used to think I had a lot of really great friends, but that didnt turn out to be true. Someone who I thought was my best friend broke my trust TWICE. Someone who I thought I could actually love after my ex turned out to be completely different than I thought. I’ve given up. I feel like when it comes to guys I will always be 100% alone. Sometimes, when people you trust more than anything break that trust, its impossible to even think it could be any other way. I can think of maybe 3 people I trust 100%, and everyone else I’m skeptical about. How did I get like this?
People suck. I genuinely think that I’m a good person. If there’s one thing I can say about myself, its that I’m general a really good friend. I always put my friends first. But that’s the problem, I expect others to do the same. I expect people to be honest with me, like I’m honest with them. And I need to stop thinking like that, because its the opposite from the truth.
I have 0 faith in love, and in certain friendships these days. Because I’ve seen the people I trust the most completely fuck me over, I expect everyone to. I start getting defensive, and I see my other girlfriends as competition when it comes to guys. And they always win because I would rather sit it out than duke it out with one of my friends over a guy. This is sooooo unlike me. When I go out now, I barely talk, don’t make an effort to put myself out there. I talk to my friends and hope some guy will talk to me, but they never do. And then, there’s my best friend(s) just walking up to every guy in the bar, getting numbers, going on dates, but I won’t compete with them for a guy’s attention. But how much longer of this can I take?
I don’t know how to get out of this feeling. To let go..